I do get some funny emails 1

The first celebrity to die of swine flu......

.....and we all know who gave it to him.

Easter Wishes

A friend sent me this in an e-mail, so I simply had to pass it along.....

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?"

She asked.

The rabbit replied:

"This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", To which the lady replied

"Yes."

"Well," the rabbit said,
"I'm westing."


Sorry.... I couldn't stop myself.
Have a Wonderful Easter...

Very funny slightly naughty joke No. 2

A friend sent me this joke in an e-mail today. It's a little naughty, and so I've coloured it blue.

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'

Chuckles Ballet

I went to see Les Ballets Trockaderos de Monte Carlo on Wednesday night, and laughed my way through most of the performance. This troup is 100% male, and they take the parts of both sexes without even bothering to hide chest and armpit hair, and one of the 'ballerinas' was even sporting a pair of glasses in the finale.

Their dancing skills are impressive, and even more so when you take into account the blunders and accidents that are dotted throughout the performance. At one stage a whole line of posing ballerinas came toppling down as a result of a clumsy dancer knocking the first one over. But what was really funny was the way that they picked themselves up and carried on as if nothing had happened.

The Dying Swan is one version I'll never forget, and I can't help wondering if they managed to pick up all of the feathers.

I'm not very keen on ballet, but I really enjoyed this. If you want more information, you can check out their website .

True Friends

This arrived in a email from one of my cousins today. I thought it was so funny.

Joke time again

I have a friend who is sending me very good jokes at the moment. Here's today's input...



With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit. ‘May I see the new baby?' I asked ‘Not yet,' she said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.' Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?' 'No, not yet,' She said. After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?' 'No, not yet,' replied my friend. Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?' 'When he cries!' She told me. 'When he cries?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he cries?' 'Because I forgot where I put him, O.K.?!!'

A little light relief

Having been obsessed with all things aquatic recently, it seems appropriate that today a friend emailed me a very funny joke with the title 'Ducks'.

Of course I have to share.......

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!' So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?' The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!'

I'm sharing

A friend emailed me this link and it was too funny to keep to myself.

Then I thought I'd Google the animator, Walt Handelsman and see what else he's done, and I found this.

I hope you enjoy both of these as much as I did.

When Grandma goes to court

A friend sent this to me in an email. I don't know if it's a real newspaper cutting or if it's a made up on, but I laughed so hard I thought it was worth sharing.

Click on the article to enlarge it:

Ha ha

A friend sent me this joke in an e-mail, and it really tickled my funny bone.

Cowboy Boots

An elderly couple, Edna and Bert, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he buys them and wears them home. Walking proudly into the kitchen, he says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Edna looks him over, “Nope”.

Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Edna looks up and says, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN EDNA?”

“Nope”, she replies.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!”

Edna replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Ya shoulda bought a hat.”

French and Saunders

A friend and I went to see French and Saunders in Oxford yesterday evening. It was brilliant. They threw everything at us. A good selection of different characters from their shows, as well as a touch of Absolutely Fabulous and a giant Vicar of Dibley.

Dawn French wandered through the audience bandishing her "chocometer" in one hand, and a collection bucket in the other, with some hillarious consequences.

Jennifer Saunders did her Madonna impersonation, which brought tears to my eyes, not only because it was so funny, but also because she ended up doing a sort of squat-walk in a pair of impossibly high heels. Ouch!

They ended the whole show by coming back on to do their dirty fat men impersonations, which got quite rude in places, but ended very funnily.

As they took their final bow, the audience threw chocolates at their feet.

They kept saying that this was their final tour. I hope not.

Spell Checker Poem

I had to copy this and put it here, because I think it's so funny. I found it on a website called Geoff Johnston: "Get With The Programm(er)" . He has a list of favourite poems, and this one just cracked me up:

'Spell Checker Blues'

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
(Anon)

Ever curious, I started Googling, and found every which version of this poem under the name of Spell Checker Blues as well as Ode to a Spell Checker, but I think I've found a website that explains where it all came from. The original poem is much longer and it was called "Candidate for a Pullet Surprise" by Mark Eckman and Jerrold H. Zar. The full original poem is even funnier, and if you'd like to read it you can find it at the bottom of this web page .

That 'wake up' cat again!

April Fools Day

I hope everybody escaped without being tricked today. I took my son to the dentist, and while I was waiting for him, I read today's Daily Telegraph, and there was an incredible story about penguins in it. Here's the link. It gave everyone in the waiting room something to chuckle about.

I was told that someone at a local radio station was taken in by a group of hoax callers who phoned in reports of a major traffic jam due to hundreds of toads hopping about all over the road.

As for me, I didn't fall for any tricks. Or at least if I did, I haven't found out about it yet!

Granny Airbag Video

A friend emailed this video to me, and I'm still laughing. Make sure you turn your sound right up before you play this.

A greetings card.

I received this card from my daughter C this morning. It made me laugh so much I thought I'd share it here (with her permission, of course).

It will be gracing my mantelpiece for the foreseeable future.

It's Tuesday

I don't know quite how I ended up watching this, but it was so cute and funny and so cleverly done, thought I would share it and hopefully liven up your Tuesday. It's a video called:
How To Re-Gift - GI vs Barbie
Just click on the name, turn on the sound, and prepare to be amused.

A clever old dog with a new trick

A friend emailed this to me today. It's so cute, I thought I would share it. I don't know where the story began, it seems to be one of those things that gets forwarded and forwarded and forwarded on.


TIRED DOG
An old dog wandered into the yard.
You could see from his collar and belly that he was well fed and had a home.
He followed me into the house,and fell asleep in a corner of the couch.


An hour later, he went to the door and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall and slept again.
This continued for several weeks.

Finally, being so curious about his home, I pinned a note to his collar saying: "Your dog comes to my home each afternoon for a nap."

The next day, the dog returned with a new note on his collar.
"He lives in a home with ten children -
He's trying to catch up on his sleep -
Can I come along to join him tomorrow?"